Neighbors Neighbors Everywhere

I won an award today. I know, you're thinking that I'm pretty darn lucky, well think again my friends, this is not an award you want to win. I have won the creepiest neighbor award. No, I'm not the creepiest neighbor (as you may think), but I have the creepiest neighbors. My neighborhood is a mixture of cute little starter homes with young families, and the exact opposite: dumpy broken down wt (if you don't know what WT stands for ask your mother) homes.

This morning I was on the phone to my sister when I yelled "What the h***!" My poor sister probably thought I was cursing at her, but no there was some woman in my backyard letting her dog crap on my lawn. Those of you who really know me, know that I'm all talk. Really I have no balls when it comes to confrontation, but for some reason I was on one. I opened my door and said in the snottiest voice that I could muster "Can I help you?" And get this, this is the strange woman's reply, "Sometimes my dog just wanders around." Now if I hadn't already been warned by my neighbor that this woman has been peeking in windows and letting her dog defecate in my lawn I probably would have let it go, but not this time. I'd caught her in the act and she wasn't going to get away with it. So I shout at her "Your dog is on a leash, YOU control his wandering and you being in my backyard is REALLY creeping me out!" At this point she has crossed my lawn and is standing on my back porch about to come in and kill me perhaps, but she just replies in her meth-addict completely unaware of her surroundings state "Really?" Yes REALLY. I walk around naked in my kitchen, I do the funky chicken dance in my kitchen, sometimes I do them simultaneously, so YES me thinking that you wandering around in my backyard where my huge window is like a Cinnaplex for your personal viewing pleasure is creepy. I yell at her to stay out of my yard and slam the door before she can come in, kill me and kidnap my child and raise him in KOA Campground. The creepy thing is that she sat on my back porch for several minutes before I saw her walk away.

So ask me if I want to move. Ask me if I want to sell my cute little renovated 1950's bungalow and move to a neighborhood where every lawn is perfectly manicured and the people have plastic smiles and all drive eco-friendly cars. Ask me if I want to live in a neighborhood where there are less than 200 sex offenders in a six block radius. I know, I know, you're probably thinking whoaaa sister. You don't have the kind of money that can afford those lavish tastes of yours. But ask me anyhow, the answer might surprise you.

I want to be able to sit in my front lawn in a kiddy pool in my bathing suit and not have a certain group of people (and no I'm not talking about the entire male species) stare at my tatas and shout "chichis grande" at me. Okay I know that bathing in my front yard is kind of my own fault but there's dog feces all over my backyard so what's a girl to do?

It's a lose lose world out there and I'm stuck right in between a former meth lab and a bunch of registered sex offenders. Ain't life grand?