Wrestle Mania

When I got married I thought it would be nothing but roses, love notes, hot candle light massages, bubble baths, an occassional fight followed by hot make-up (fill in the blank). Sorry my blog is too PG-13 for people, so I'm going to let your own raunchy or not minds fill in the blanks.

Little did I know that I was marrying my older brother (not literally you perves) but that the next 50 years (unless I die early PLEASE) would be filled with wedgies, noogies, head locks, "say uncle's," boogers, flatuations...you get the idea. Think of your older brother and there you have it. That is marital bliss.

This morning our car wouldn't start so guess who spent four completely uneventful hours getting body slammed until I apologized for something I couldn't even remember doing. While I was wrapped under the stronghold of my formerly high school wrestling champion husband, I was told that he would loosen his grip as soon as I apologized. With each of my "I'm sorry you're such a retard" comment the grip got tighter. Even after I screamed that I couldn't breathe and he was breaking my ribs, he continued to hold me in an immobile state.

Out of nowhere it hit me. I screamed "I hate your mother right now!"

That stopped him long enough to laugh and ask me why.

"Because she stopped having children after you were born."

My husband is the youngest of 6, and has never had anyone to pick on. So instead of waiting for our own children to be old enough to terrorize them, he has decided to use me as his target.

Instead of "hi honey I'm home" I get a slap on the butt.

Instead of sweet kisses and hugs I get picked up and twirled around until I'm about to vomit.

Instead of text messages of I miss you, you beautiful creature, I get "cheer up buttmunch"

I thought I was alone in this, but after talking to my girlfriend Shana (not my girlfriend but girl friend), we discovered that this must be a youngest child syndrome. Her husband acts the same way and he is the baby of his family. We then compared our other friends. Those whom had husbands that were the youngest sibling in a large family tended to be the biggest bullies.

So Ladies if you are suffering, know that you are not alone. There probably isn't much you can do about this problem other than allowing your hubbie to take out his pre-pubescent youngest child angst on you and praying that this is just a phase, but you have friends. You can revel in the fact that while there are women out there getting roses and feet rubs, you are probably a whole lot stronger and have a much better sense of humor than they do. If nothing else, your home would make great reality television.