I GOT PROBED

If you've ever watched the X-Files, there is a good chance that you know about alien probing. If you're a "believer" you may actually believe that you yourself have been abducted and probed. Let me tell you about my Tuesday--I wasn't exactly abducted but I was probed--all in thanks to the vaginal ultrasound.

I know, I know, first of all this begs the question, "Why in the world are you having an ultrasound?" Well my dear friends, despite my husband accusing me of having diabetic ovaries and me accusing him of having slow swimmers, both of us were proved wrong when the Dollar Store pregnancy test, which I happily released my bladder on, gave me two, count them, TWO pink lines. That's a positive folks; my eggo is preggo.

I screamed at my husband to get into the bathroom. "I'm pregnant."

"No you're not!" (I'm sort of the boy who cried wolf when it comes to "thinking" I'm pregnant so you can understand his response).

So what do you think I did to prove it? I shoved the dripping test at him...mind you I'm still sitting on the toilet with my pants around my ankles and.....

His big response: "SICK you're dripping pee on the floor!"

And that was it. I was pregnant with baby numero dos! The next few weeks and the previous one (the one in which I was blissfully clueless and popping Ibuprofen like they were candy) gave way to HEADaches, nausea, barfing, sleeplessness, backaches, cramping, not to mention bawling (thank you surging hormones). And why do you think I wanted to get pregnant again? You would have thought that pregnancy number one would have taught me my lesson, but ah let us all thank the Lord for making us completely forget the misery that is accompanied with bringing a child into this world, until the first wave of nausea hits with the second pregnancy, and then it all comes back.

So now that you know my secret, I'll let you know how and why I was probed (well not all of the details because of you male readers, or those of you who just don't want to picture me being probed).

To ensure an accurate due date, thank you irregular periods--you always come through when I need you, I was sent to get an ultrasound. If I had known what was to happen I probably would have shaved my legs, but I thought this was the regular, run-of-the-mill, pull up your shirt, squirt cold goop on your belly and check out the thing growing within kind of ultrasound.

Unfortunately my zygote was just a little smaller than everyone thought so to my horror, the ultrasound tech pulls out this long tube, straps a condom on it and tells me to drop my drawers. At this point I tell my husband to cover my son's eyes...this is one traumatizing event I'd like him not to remember (as if showering with his mother isn't bad enough).

So they do it, they probe me: me, my uterus, my fetus, and there it is (it-because its genitalia is yet to be formed--I'm hoping for a hole not a pole but I'll be happy as long as it isn't born with both--or neither.) It's a beautiful little bean only centimeters long, but absolutely perfect because the little black spot on the screen looks just like me (that is until I find out that what I think is the baby's head is actually the yolk sac). The only unfortunate discovery was that I was two weeks earlier than I thought I was and I may only have one ovary. Oh yes, after listening to the baby's heart beat, the ultrasound tech decided that while she was up there she was going to check all of my parts. Have you ever had your ovaries or in my case possible ovary (singular) pushed around with a long probing device? If so lucky you.