I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND

There are several things that I will never understand about children, my child in particular.

The first thing that I don't understand is why he thought it was so funny that as I sat on the bathroom floor violently barfing the apple and bowl of Kix I'd just eaten, he thought it was funny to point at me and laugh. And then as if he didn't get his kicks (no pun intended) on laughing at me while I puked, he lifted my head which was rested on the bathroom rug, pointed to the toilet and laughed again.

Yesterday my child wanted to cook. It was my mistake to take a shower right after breakfast instead of cleaning up. I had left a huge pot of syrup on the stove (BIG MISTAKE). I'm sure you can see what's coming. After shoving several pots and pans on top of the stove, he decided he was done playing and was going to put them away. What do you think the first pot was that he grabbed? You got it, the one with the syrup. Not one part of his 19 months had taught him how to carefully remove a pot from the stove; no he was not careful. Not one part of his 19 months had his mother learned her lesson. So what happened next? I ran out of my bedroom, barely clothed in my towel to find him standing in a puddle of ooey, gooey, sticky syrup. He lifted one leg, pointed to his foot, and screamed "mom, mom, mom" and laughed. As I surveyed the damage I realized the sticky mess is everywhere! It's on ALL of my stainless steel appliances (and they don't just wipe off), my brand new base boards, my kitchen rug, the pantry doors, cupboards, and the syrup somehow managed to reach my dining room and everything in it. I scrubbed for an hour, and then I mopped...and mopped....and mopped to no avail. Something about the butter in my oh so fattening syrup and my wood floors didn't mix. At least my floors had a nice slick and shiny sheen to them. What I had neglected to do was clean the child first. So after scrubbing my entire kitchen I followed my child's sticky footprints into EVERY, read it EVERY room in my house. And that was how I spent the rest of my morning.

Here are just a few other things that I don't understand:

Why spraying Windex in his face is ALWAYS funny.

Why he thinks EVERYTHING goes in the garbage can or laundry hamper (imagine hearing ringing coming from the garbage can or finding your missing shoe mixed in with your dirty underwear).

Why grapes that he hid under the couch two weeks ago are still edible.

Why he thinks that if its in a sippy cup he should drink it (think sippy cup full of milk rolled under the car seat in 100 degree weather for a week). Please don't judge me I'm a really clean person.

Why mommy's breasts, which he rejected at birth, are now fun toys to poke because they jiggle.

Why he should be in the shower every time his mommy is. If he's not, then he will punish her by making her take a shower with the toilet paper, soap dispenser, garbage can + garbage.

And last but not least, I don't understand why everything needs to be washed in the toilet before bringing it out to share with company.