I AM A LIAR

Today I lied...
It wasn't a big lie in the grand scheme of things, but it was a lie.
So for those of you who have seen me this week, you know just by looking at me that I am pregnant. I can attribute the huge pooch in front to the nice layer of fat that has accumulated since baby number one. Well that and the fact that there is a thing growing inside of me which, as I learned this week, is causing my bowels to push out and give me that pretty baby bulge.

So, on to my lie. I was in Rite Aid for the third time this morning (NEVER EVER get a prescription filled there by the way). My child was running around the store screaming like a wild pack of savage cannibals were chasing after him threatening to eat him alive. His only rescue was to pull all of the eyeglasses off the rack and throw them. After chasing him through the store for what felt like hours on end, I decided to set him on my lap while I used the blood pressure machine. Somewhat to my surprise my BP was rocketing off the charts. After sitting for a minute, I checked it again, and sure enough it was back to normal. I guess all that chasing had me completely frazzled...So to keep my child content, I left him pushing the buttons on the blood pressure machine.

This whole time a woman sat quietly watching me. She turned to me after several minutes and struck up some polite conversation. After talking about what a handful my son was, she asked me when my baby was due.

Now, I'm not actually far enough along that I should be showing, but I AM. Like I said before layer of fat + bulging bowels + second pregnancy + midget status = she looks like that kid is about to rear his ugly head... aka start pushing.... aka Congratulations! It's a healthy baby....You get my drift. I'M HUGE.

So I groan at her and then respond "February."
Liar liar liar. I'm not due until May.
And then my mind starts racing. I can't figure out the math. If I'm due in February how far along am I? When do you start counting??? From conception? From the first day of your last period or the last day of your first period??? What if she asks me more questions??? Dangit, I wish I had a calculator with me!
And then she does. "Well at least you're over the hump." Am I? In my lie am I really over the hump? What is the hump? 4 or 5 months? Aren't you technically pregnant for 10 months??? AHHHH...She keeps talking, "Do you know what you're having?"

OMG--Oh My Gosh...If I'm due in February am I 20 weeks yet? Should I know the gender of my child. Is this stranger going to know that I just lied to her for no good reason other than to save myself the shame of having to admit that I'm a ginormous chunk of baby bakery!

And so, to save face, and only make things worse, I lie again. "Nope, this one is going to be a surprise." I figure this lie covers me in case I should know what I'm having or if I'm not quite far enough along to have found out.

And then, Saved by the Bell, the pharmasist calls my name and I am out. I figured that the Lord just saved me from having to lie anymore. He'd already erased my brownie points from feeding that homeless man, and the ones for apologizing to my husband when I knew I wasn't wrong. I don't think He lets your points go into the negative without being thrust straight to the underworld, so right now I'm back at zero. Although, I think that right now Satan is sitting on his burning hot throne in the pits of hell laughing about how I just lied for no good reason.