I PEED ON MYSELF

Thanks to the child within, I have had to do many fun medical experiments. The most fun one was collecting 24 hours worth of urine in this:

Now if you're looking at this picture thinking, what's the big deal, then you're a man and you have a hose. Unfortunately due to a lack of proper equipment, filling this jug was a bit tricky for me. At first I thought that I could simply hold it over the toilet and empty my canteen into the big orange canteen. Wrong! The jug is so big and the opening so small that it can't be held inside the toilet so it must be held above it. Now ladies, I don't know how good your aim is, but I ended up peeing on everything--the jug, my pants, the floor, toilet seat....you get the picture. So then I ended up standing there with this jug dripping in urine thinking where the heck do I put this thing now??? So I set it in the sink, rinsed it off, put it back in the brown paper bag, and headed towards the fridge. I understand now why liquor is kept in brown paper bags...although I figured anyone in my house trying to get liquored up would surely get a kick out of the surprise lemonade I'd been bootlegging in the bathroom.
I tried several different techniques to fill the jug over the next day. I started off by completely taking off my pants to pee--this only saved my clothes from urine stains, I still had to mop the bathroom floor. I tried holding the jug in different positions for better aim and spray, but finally I stripped down to nothing and stood in the shower, squatted over the jug, and prayed that my aim was on. All this just to fill a pee jar.
Part of me hopes my kidneys are failing, just so this experience wasn't in vain...
I hope you never have to do this...
And if you're a man, I hope that medical technology enables you to experience pregnancy one day, so that instead of your part in this whole process lasting 15 minutes, you get 9 whole months of squatting over ugly orange hospital jars and wetting on yourself.