I PEED ON MYSELF

Thanks to the child within, I have had to do many fun medical experiments. The most fun one was collecting 24 hours worth of urine in this:

Now if you're looking at this picture thinking, what's the big deal, then you're a man and you have a hose. Unfortunately due to a lack of proper equipment, filling this jug was a bit tricky for me. At first I thought that I could simply hold it over the toilet and empty my canteen into the big orange canteen. Wrong! The jug is so big and the opening so small that it can't be held inside the toilet so it must be held above it. Now ladies, I don't know how good your aim is, but I ended up peeing on everything--the jug, my pants, the floor, toilet seat....you get the picture. So then I ended up standing there with this jug dripping in urine thinking where the heck do I put this thing now??? So I set it in the sink, rinsed it off, put it back in the brown paper bag, and headed towards the fridge. I understand now why liquor is kept in brown paper bags...although I figured anyone in my house trying to get liquored up would surely get a kick out of the surprise lemonade I'd been bootlegging in the bathroom.
I tried several different techniques to fill the jug over the next day. I started off by completely taking off my pants to pee--this only saved my clothes from urine stains, I still had to mop the bathroom floor. I tried holding the jug in different positions for better aim and spray, but finally I stripped down to nothing and stood in the shower, squatted over the jug, and prayed that my aim was on. All this just to fill a pee jar.
Part of me hopes my kidneys are failing, just so this experience wasn't in vain...
I hope you never have to do this...
And if you're a man, I hope that medical technology enables you to experience pregnancy one day, so that instead of your part in this whole process lasting 15 minutes, you get 9 whole months of squatting over ugly orange hospital jars and wetting on yourself.

Ahhhh SPANDEX

For those of you who don't know, I have moved.

I now live in my dad's basement...thank you dad for putting up with me for the who knows how long we will be here. There are actually quite a few exciting and fun things about moving out of your own home, downsizing to a basement, and putting all of your stuff in storage.

Here is my favorite:

Every few years Peter runs across something fun from his past and I get to share in the memories. One year it was his speedo, another year it was his high school prom picture (which I told him to throw out but instead it magically appeared on my nightstand FRAMED!!!), but this move brought out something new...his SINGLET.

Now for those of you that think a singlet is a type of chewing gum or some sort of kinky lingerie (it actually could be...on the right person), you obviously have not been following high school wrestling. So Saturday I walked into my new bedroom to find my two hundred and fill in the blank pound husband squeezing into this black piece of spandex. When he weighed a measly 140 during his freshman year in high school, the sexy little outfit showed every curvature of his body. You can't imagine how his current curves look in the disgusting thing...well thanks to the miracle of modern photography, you don't have to imagine it, you can see it. If you have never met the miracle of spandex, check out the picture. They, and by they I mean I, don't call it miracle material for nothing. He's probably going to be upset with me for posting this picture, but you tell me what kind of a man squeezes his buns into a tight black piece of shiny spandex, poses like this for the camera, and doesn't want it posted on the Internet? He along with a whole slew of transgender men now have pictures of themselves posing like this, in tight spandex, on the Internet.

I AM A LIAR

Today I lied...
It wasn't a big lie in the grand scheme of things, but it was a lie.
So for those of you who have seen me this week, you know just by looking at me that I am pregnant. I can attribute the huge pooch in front to the nice layer of fat that has accumulated since baby number one. Well that and the fact that there is a thing growing inside of me which, as I learned this week, is causing my bowels to push out and give me that pretty baby bulge.

So, on to my lie. I was in Rite Aid for the third time this morning (NEVER EVER get a prescription filled there by the way). My child was running around the store screaming like a wild pack of savage cannibals were chasing after him threatening to eat him alive. His only rescue was to pull all of the eyeglasses off the rack and throw them. After chasing him through the store for what felt like hours on end, I decided to set him on my lap while I used the blood pressure machine. Somewhat to my surprise my BP was rocketing off the charts. After sitting for a minute, I checked it again, and sure enough it was back to normal. I guess all that chasing had me completely frazzled...So to keep my child content, I left him pushing the buttons on the blood pressure machine.

This whole time a woman sat quietly watching me. She turned to me after several minutes and struck up some polite conversation. After talking about what a handful my son was, she asked me when my baby was due.

Now, I'm not actually far enough along that I should be showing, but I AM. Like I said before layer of fat + bulging bowels + second pregnancy + midget status = she looks like that kid is about to rear his ugly head... aka start pushing.... aka Congratulations! It's a healthy baby....You get my drift. I'M HUGE.

So I groan at her and then respond "February."
Liar liar liar. I'm not due until May.
And then my mind starts racing. I can't figure out the math. If I'm due in February how far along am I? When do you start counting??? From conception? From the first day of your last period or the last day of your first period??? What if she asks me more questions??? Dangit, I wish I had a calculator with me!
And then she does. "Well at least you're over the hump." Am I? In my lie am I really over the hump? What is the hump? 4 or 5 months? Aren't you technically pregnant for 10 months??? AHHHH...She keeps talking, "Do you know what you're having?"

OMG--Oh My Gosh...If I'm due in February am I 20 weeks yet? Should I know the gender of my child. Is this stranger going to know that I just lied to her for no good reason other than to save myself the shame of having to admit that I'm a ginormous chunk of baby bakery!

And so, to save face, and only make things worse, I lie again. "Nope, this one is going to be a surprise." I figure this lie covers me in case I should know what I'm having or if I'm not quite far enough along to have found out.

And then, Saved by the Bell, the pharmasist calls my name and I am out. I figured that the Lord just saved me from having to lie anymore. He'd already erased my brownie points from feeding that homeless man, and the ones for apologizing to my husband when I knew I wasn't wrong. I don't think He lets your points go into the negative without being thrust straight to the underworld, so right now I'm back at zero. Although, I think that right now Satan is sitting on his burning hot throne in the pits of hell laughing about how I just lied for no good reason.